The Sandwich Life

Eraserhead and Cortisone

I admit to being a nervous wreck about my mri the other day. I wasn't nervous the first time until I panicked because of my claustrophobia...but this time I knew enough to be nervous. It's like childbirth....the first time I wasn't all that nervous because what the hell did I know....the second time...uh yeah...nervous. At least you ended up with something fun and amusing after all that though. This? Not so much.

Totally different experience than the aborted mri. We trotted in and got taken to a room where they had me wait, lying down, while I took the Xanax. Took one, laid there awhile...they came in and asked if I wanted another one. I hemmed and hawed and finally said yes. I'm glad I got the second one because even with that I had to reallly focus to keep my mind away from the physicality of the whole thing. I kept wanting to raise my hands and feel the top of the machine....it was hard to fight that urge. I drifted in and out a bit. Ernie was right too...it DID sound like Eraserhead....a combination of that and a few jackhammer highlights...with just a bit of Kraftwerk tossed in. Everybody was lovely though and I got through it fine. They wheeled me out to the car (weird) and Ernie took me home where I ate a sandwich and collapsed and slept for several hours.

The weirdest part of the whole thing....and what made me feel so awkwardly uncomfortable was the fact that I was the one answering the questions and lying in the bed and taking the pills. I am so very used to being on the other side of that. When I am in a hospital I am supposed to be the one sitting in the little chair to the side. It felt very odd. Even Ernie said it felt odd to have our roles switched. It makes me feel very.....mmmm....other....just other than myself....

So Friday we had running around to do....a test for one of the guys (nothing serious..no need for worry). It didn't register on me that since the test was technically in the hospital that we would then have a hospital co-pay. The perky woman at registration said, "And did you want to take care of that $175 co-pay today?" Whoops. Sigh. Yay credit! So we had just enough time to toss said child back home so we could go off to the Spine Institue. The doctor went over the results of the mri and said.....spinal stenosis.

Yeah.

Not what I wanted to hear.

Evidently I was gifted with a smaller than normal spinal cavity...hence spinal stenosis showing up earlier than it generally does. Small spinal cavity. Yeah, I'm such a delicate little thing....why couldn't I just have gotten small feet? The discs in my back aren't bad but I have 'moderate stenosis' in a couple of areas and "moderate to severe stenosis" in one spot. Well, the official report said 'severe' but the doctor wrote in 'moderate to severe' to make it seem nicer I guess. She sat back in her chair and told me, kindly, that I would have back problems and struggle with back pain for the rest of my life. On the positive side she said that my discs are pretty good and that this has probably taken a long time to get to this point so it should progress slowly. I told her that my mother had spinal stenosis and ended up in a wheelchair for the last few years of her life and in constant pain. She just kinda nodded.

Huh.

I go in on Tuesday to get a cortisone shot and hopefully that will help. Man, I'm missing work left and right lately.

So yesterday? I gotta admit I was not in the best of moods. We listened to Eric Brace and Peter Cooper on WFMT' last night....sitting in the living room in the dusk....it made things much better. I was sorry to miss them at Van's on Friday night but between doctor's appointments and birthday parties and work....we just couldn't swing it. So listening to them live last night was a lovely balm.

Today I hope to shoo my children into the yard for some yardwork and then I pretty much just want to sit out there and read and ponder life and drink some wine. Owen's got band practice and I think he wants to go see Ironman 3. I'm thinking perhaps that would be a nice father son thing as Leo and I would just as soon skip it...or maybe he'll just forget if we don't mention it.....

 

listening to Eric and Peter at dusk....

 

 

Epic Fail As Mother

Epic fail as the boys would say. Or do they still say that? I'm old enough that I don't keep up with these things.

O.k....let me start by saying that it has been a VERY busy couple of weeks. In fact, if you are one of the few that read me regularly, you will note that I haven't even had time to post here much. Lots of work stuff, odds and ends, doctor appointments, school things. I even turned down meeting my beloved Teri for a drinkt the other night because I just couldn't....I wanted to be home. So when I got the letter (got it the weekend in which I worked an event which saw 1,000 people at work...and we're a tiny, tiny place so that's huge) stating that Owen had been selected for two Young Achiever's Awards (one for academic achievement and one art achievement in the arts), I was thrilled and hugged him and congratulated him.....and set the letter on the table next to me.

Yep...I didn't do the responsible adult thing and put it in my FUCKING CALENDAR.

Sigh.

This week I've been so focused on checking each day off and looking forward to his band concert on Thursday and figuring out the multiple events today....  Man...I must completely forgot. Last night he told me we'd missed his awards and I was all ready to get pissed at him for not telling me something. Teeth were gnashed, voices were raised, a hell of a ot of tears were shed and I finally realized what the hell he was talking about. I went over to the table and found the letter sitting right there. Oh man. Owen is someone who would have LOVED this. We dragged Leo to his ceremonies and he HATED it. And I just screwed up. I screwed up. I apologized up and down and hugged him. Then he started to apologize and I told him that no, we were the parents and this was MY mistake, not his. He finally sniffed his way to a sleepy calm and we watched the end of our DVR'd Nashville but I couldn't enjoy it.

Damn.

I must say that the 5th grade band concert was wonderful. Owen looked tremendously handsome. I remembered how uncomfortable bleachers are especially with a back that hurts....but rarely have I thrilled to the sounds of Frere Jacques played in rounds the way I did last night.

My sweet pea.

Sola Gratia: Shares Still Available and the Glory of Chives

I can't very well say that spring snuck up on me this year but I was still surprised to realize that it was the first week of Sola Gratia. For those of you that don't know, Sola Gratia is a local CSA organized by St. Matthew's that donates at least 10% of its production to Eastern Illinois Foodbank. I think it's a tremendous way to support the community agriculture movement, two organizations that are doing good things, get gorgeous fresh from the field produce AND support Eastern Illinois Foodbank. A ridiculous amount of wins there....what would it be? Win, win, win, win, win?

Here's their official blurb:

Sola Gratia Farm is a four-acre community garden located behind St. Matthew Lutheran Church in Urbana, Il. For years this land had been in production of corn and soybeans raised to support families and communities abroad suffering from chronic poverty and hunger. We have now turned the use of the farm more locally and have developed what is commonly known as a CSA, or community supported agriculture enterprise. Sola Gratia Farm developed out of a joint vision with St. Matthew Lutheran Church of Urbana, which owns the land, and an organization called Faith in Place, whose fundamental ministry is aiding communities of faith develop responsible and sustainable practices.

Full and half shares are STILL available. If you go to the Friday pick up between 3 and 6 at the garage in the parking lot of St. Matthew's Lutheran Church in Urbana you can still sign up. 

As I did last year, I hope to be posting recipes and reports of the weekly half share we will be receiving.

Because of all the rain, they are running behind...as everyone is.... rather than delaying for a week or two, they decided to have the first week’s share consist of herbs from Deanna’s (Sola Gratia's farmer) garden in White Heath that are growing nicely.  They said they will make up for the small size of the early-season shares by providing generous shares later on.

When I got in the car last night after work I could smell the fragrant chives, garlic chives and mint. I was a bit out of sorts last night...my legs were really hurting from my back and I felt bleary. I knew doing something with the herbs would make me feel better though so after sitting outside for a bit I went inside and pulled out my blender and a bottle of vegetable oi. I pulled the beautiful flowers off the chives and put them all in the blender with a cup or two of vegetable oil. I whirred them...to Leo's great disgust. He feels that when he's playing Minecraft on the kitchen computer that the entire household should creep around him silently. HA.

I put some cheesecloth (yes, we had cheesecloth...a miracle...I actually was looking for a coffee filter which would be better I think) over the top of a jar and slowly poured it in. I tried not to press on it so it wouldn't be cloudy. It's still a bit cloudy but I think that's where the coffee filter would be more efficient. So now I have a gorgeous little jar of bright green chive oil and I'm planning to put it on top of whatever I make for dinner. It might be homemade pizza, it might be grilled chicken, it might be scrambled eggs....but I think it will be delightful no matter what it tops.

Now....any ideas for mint???

And Then Again....

You know how i'm constantly raving about my boys, how sweet and thoughtful and wonderful they are? 

Don't listen to me.

Sunday.

Owen did make a card for me. Leo came downstairs and walked past me and I said, "ahem." He stared at me as I said it again....and again. Finally he said, "OH, Happy Mother's Day." And then as he leaned over to kiss me he said, "well, it's not like it's a big holiday."

Now, o.k...he's right....and sometimes I find it all rather silly but JUST THE SAME.

So then it turns out the big plan was to take me to lunch. Finally I called both boys into the room and said, "So let me get this straight, the big plan it to go to lunch as we do pretty much every weekend?" They both stuttered a lot. I nixed lunch and made them work in the yard for me.

Sniff.

I love those boys anyway.

Small Pleasures

Look at my pretty little new phone!!

The battery on my old phone was so bad I had to charge it up constantly so I checked and I was eligible for a new phone. We couldn't afford to get the new iPhone but we did move up one notch to the 4S, which after turning in our old phones, will only cost us $30 a piece. Ernie stayed with his basic black phone and basic black case. I decided I deserved a new case....and LOOK how cute....and then I found the little matching button!!!! Ernie rolled his eyes. I was so tickled that I think that even the Verizon guy and others at the counter rolled their eyes too....but I don't CARE! I love my personalized polka dot button!

And now a few snaps that my new little phone took:

oh, first I tried to figure out the panorama feature...took a few tries but I kind liked this first attempt even though it looks like my colleague Nancy is drowning...

here's my cute husband:

and a few of my overgrown and weedy yard:

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1. Lord, sometimes I'm just oblivious. We went to the Krannert Center season preview announcement thingy the other night. I was kinda tired and spacey. We got there pretty early and walked in; I saw the screen where they'd be showing images and thought, "oh, I don't want to sit too close to that," so I dragged Ernie over a few tables and announced we should sit there. He pointed to a table a few rows back but I demurred. The program started and I realized I was in the front row, in the middle, smack dab in front of the people speaking. Am I freaking idiot? So I spent most of the time trying to huddle while silently asking Ernie to get me more wine. Geesh.

2.It feels like Friday to me although it is not. Last hump of the semester's programming over though which feels delightful!

3. Wonderful video from Peter Case about the insurance industry. God, I adore him. I can not WAIT til he's at the Highdive on June 7, 2013. Early show folks...and it will be incredible!!! My father would have loved talking about the evils of the insurance industry with him....

 

4. Might I note that it is only 3 and a half weeks until Hardly Strictly Ernie with our beloved Jason Ringenberg? This is going to be fantastic and I may have to cut off reservations if we get too full. So do get your payment in as soon as you can---I'm afraid it's the only way I can reserve a spot. More info on facebook or just email me.

 

5. I fear my sister's pink dogwood may have been killed by NeighborGate. Moving it during a drought probably wasn't the most helpful thing. The white dogwood that we planted in memory of my father is fine but the pink one for Judi has one partial bloom....hmmmm....

6. Owen's grilling his signature chicken tonight so it should be a good evening.

Champaign's Gift to Nashville

I have said, many times in these pages (er…screens), how much I love the Rubels. Sasha and Mark Rubel are two of my favorite people in the whole world. Sasha has been a truly wonderful friend to me and I love her unabashedly. Mark is the soul of kindness and has been incredibly good to us as well.

As soon as I read the news that Mark is leaving Champaign to take a position as co-director of curriculum for Blackbird Studios in Nashville, my first thought was for Sasha and her girls. Because as incredibly proud of her brother, and as excited about this opportunity as she is, she’s also a little sister. We e-mailed back and forth a bit and Sasha, being Sasha, had the perfect line….

It feels a little like a local monument is relocating, like our own Statue of Liberty is moving to Jersey. 

God I love her.

A long time ago, somebody referred to Ernie as a Community Icon and we’ve had many jokes about that over the years. When you get right down to it though….Mark really IS a community icon. And as I’ve also said, he really knows how to wear a black jacket…and the power of a nice white shirt with it.

He will be missed but he is dearly loved by many so he goes with untold number of good wishes....

Our very own Statue of Liberty....and off he goes.... Nashville better be good to him....

 

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1. Thanks for all the kind words yesterday about my rotton day on Tuesday. I ended it by meeting my dearest friend Ann for a drink and then came home to sweet, happy boys and a new episode of Nashville.

2. First snake sighting of the season. O.k....it was dead but STILL. It means they're out there....slithering around. Ernie made fun of me for being appalled at seeing it. As he pointed out..it WAS dead. I pointed out that I was the one who had thrown my iPad in the air when I saw a picture of one unexpectedly. He still didn't seem properly sympathetic.

3. Speaking of Nashville....POSTCARD FROM MEXICO by the esteemed David Olney and John Hadley!! We were watching the show last night and as soon as they started with the song we gasped and looked at each other. I even trotted off to iTunes to buy it just because I thought it was somehow my duty. You can do the same....

 

 

 

4. I tried to get this post finished and posted yesterday but I was too busy and then too tired. I've got a busy, busy weekend....it will all be good but still looking forward to having it OVER!

 

Out of Control

I guess it depends how you look at it. Sometimes being out of control is a good thing....out of control because of pleasure, or out of control because someone else is taking care of you... And then again...sometimes it's because you feel helpless to control the things you want to control, that you feel you NEED to control. And that doesn't feel so good. God knows we're never really in control of our lives....it's just that sometimes we THINK we are.

And sometimes we realize we're not in control of a damn thing. We can control how we respond to things happening....but often that's easier said than done.

This morning....the fact that I am not in control of my life hit me smack in the face. I had an MRI scheduled for 7:15. The boys were incredulous that their morning routine was being screwed up. We left one one his way to school and one in a state of ummmm.....a high level of distress. Sometimes you just have to say "suck it up" though and walk out the door. Feels lousy.

When I had talked to the doctor she had asked me if I was claustrophobic and I said, "uh...well....yeah."  She said she could have sedation ready. However when I talked to the nurse that actually scheduled it, she said I would be fine since it's the open MRI and not the closed one. I was a little confused so I just nodded pleasantly. I learned that trait from my mother. This morning as the tech led me back she said, "you're not expecting sedation, are you?" So I, of course, in order to be agreeable, said, "oh no." I learned that from my mother too.

The machine looked fine...hurt a little getting on the table but that was fine, listened to all the directions, and put my ear plugs in. She slid me under about a foot and I said, "OH, I can't do this." She was incredibly kind. She pulled me out immediately. We talked for a minute and she told me to close my eyes and she'd slide me all the way through and then I'd be able to look out and see the room. I obediently closed my eyes. I opened them when she said to, and said, "I can't do this."

I felt like an idiot and wanted to cry. 

Sigh.

I have to reschedule. I quickly walked out of the waiting room toward the parking lot with Ernie scrambling to catch up. I got in the car and cried. I just cried. Cried because I couldn’t make myself deal with it, push myself through it, cried because I’m worried and frustrated about a situation with one of the guys. I cried just because I could and because I can’t control things I want to control.

Ernie tried to find tissue to no avail and told me everything would be o.k. I love him.

He took me out to breakfast. I sat at a table and waited while he ordered and got the food. I’d left my phone in the car so I sat and just watched people and remembered what that feels like. I wondered how everybody else was feeling. We split a wrap which had, according to the menu, egg, turkey sausage, ancho-lime salsa, jalopeno cream cheese and pepper jack cheese. The warmth of the spice felt good in my mouth. 

 

Random Pictures from the Sandwich Life

The baby ginkgo leaves are from work, but the rest are in my yard....well....or across the alley......

Random Notes from the Sandwich Life

1. You know what feels odd? Sitting in the Spine Institute making an appointment for an MRI...the open one because you're claustrophobic....and hearing an old Pretenders song playing in the background. I don't know why but it was one of those moments that struck me....kinda like, "well, I never saw either ONE of these things coming....."

2. Ernie came into the appointment with me. I decided this officially makes us an old married couple but hell....we ARE an old married couple. He came to all my OB appointments when I was pregnant and I always go to all of his cancer appointments so why not.... It felt comforting....even though I had to whisper when they asked me how much I weigh....

3. It's funny how even though it's been four years since my sister died, things pop up out of the blue and grab at my heart. I got in the car and found this sitting on the seat....it had gotten pulled out when Ernie was digging through the glove compartment.

4. We had mussels made with a bit of tomato sauce and Italian sausage and white wine...and homemade bread last night. The mussels were divine...lousy picture but a picture just the same. The boys, of course, turned their noses up at them....

5. I love that Peter Cooper brought us this copy of the Tennessean..... 

6. If I can get through the next week of work, I'll have a bit of a break. Looking forward to it.

7. In the meantime....

 

 

A Glorious, Glowing Night

There's this certain lightheaded kind of swoon I get when I walk under a canopy of brilliant golden maple leaves in the fall. It gets me every time. Sometime a field of black eyes susans can do it too....

That's what last night felt like.

From the incredible songs, the beautiful singing (even if Peter thought he didn't sound as good because of a cold...we did not agree), the wonderful Japanese food Tamaki made and all the other food that was shared, the good wine (it was a wine drinking crowd last night), the great company, and the utter charm and wit of Eric and Peter's camaraderie....well damn....last night had it all.

Love and thanks to all that came, to all that made it happen, but of course, most of all to my beloved Eric Brace and Peter Cooper. They are so special.

my beautiful boys singing with all their heart for my friends

Eric adroitly changing a string while Peter kindly sung my request

what would we do without Richard Hill's pictures?

Get their new album (or one of their other wonderful albums) at Red Beet Records!